Kelly’s Unnecessary Blog

Tonight I present a group writing effort, courtesy of the TweakToday community. Our mission was to write a story by building on the previous submission. We have a little grey goose who just wants fast internet but has to battle an army of super-beavers by channeling her inner llama. Contributors are credited at the end.

Once upon a time in a small corner of the interweb

…there lived a small gray goose that was stuck in the land of dial-up internet access…

but one day that little goose was gonna get the biggest and baddest broadband connection available, then and only then he would be webmaster of….

the entire pond, the rest of the ducks would be her minions, if only she could defeat the evil…

General Beaver and his army of chipmunks, navy of otters, and airforce of hawks. His life mission was to….

…stop the number 1 cause of beaver deaths. Falling trees!

But the ducks interfered with his mission, as they were against cutting the trees that surround the pond.

In order to fight back, the ducks had to arm themselves. They strapped on …

fricken laserbeams.. That’s right, austin powers might have failed, but the ducks wouldn’t. They…

believed in the words of this charismatic leader. She, the enemy of half measures and weak decisions, would lead them to a paradise of lightening-fast internet connectivity- but they had to earn it first, and they knew the likely cost. Together they…

took aim at the beaver dam and prepared to fire but out of nowhere three giant…

super beavers stepped out of the forest. Paws beating their chests, chanting their creepy, awe inspiring, hold to the bottom of your seat chant that went something like

 

Beaver two, beaver one, Let’s all have some beaver fun!

Beaver four, beaver three, Let’s climb up the beaver tree!

Beaver five, beaver six, Let’s go get our beaver sticks!

Beaver eight, beaver seven, Let’s all go to beaver heaven!

Beaver ten, beaver nine, STOP! It’s beaver time!

 

but then the ducks responded…

In disbelief knowing that they were out gunned. The only means for victory would be to travel to Hollywood forest and summon the invisible swordsmen so that…

they would be given the knowledge of how to defeat the giant beavers. Meanwhile, the small gray goose had an idea and googled…

to find a gaggle of more geese to support the ducks in the effort. But her 128k modem dropped the connection so instead she had to …

use a much more reliable source of communication- the carrier pigeon. She enlisted the help of her winged comrades to call upon the council of seven Anatidae Elders- the great geese of yore whose knowledge, wisdom and power were her only hope against the toothy menace. The elders responded…

in their ancient and arcane dialect that victory favoured the bold, so taking her mighty asparagus spear in her beak, and feeling a spirited wind in her feathers…

she flew through the netherworld of dark cable features and foggy grey bottoms to find the information that

her ancestors had been right – she was not a goose afterall, but a…

llama, transformed by a curse years before. How fortuitous it was then, that the ducks returned just as this was revealed to her to inform her that the invisible swordsmen had revealed the super-beavers only weakness- that most awesome and terrifying of creatures- none other than the llama.

As the ducks then walked away to prepare for the awesome battle that awaited her father emerged from the woodlands behind her. The same man that vanished on that December 26th night some ten years previously…

, he explained that he went out to buy some smokes and got lost in a blizzard. but she did not believe him because…

his eyes had that same smokey haze they had when he told her mother he would be back soon, he was just going to the 7Eleven for a pack, she replied: “……

“don’t bother me with your nonsense. I’m busy learning on my abacus and drinking scotch.” The man continued out wondering about ducks and geese that lay ahead.

And at that very point in time, the gray goose realized that she had to channel her inner llama, the llama that she used to be. This was the only way to defeat the Beavers.

She pawed her webbed foot on the ground and waddled up to the first Super Beaver. She stared him in the eye. She took one, two, three deep breaths, and from the depths of her goosey innards expelled a giant, gooey spitball at the Beaver. The Beaver clawed at his eyes and cried out …

“Gross!” Little did he realize the true consequences the spitball would have. In a matter of seconds,

The beaver from his disintegrated eye pulled out a weapon of mass destruction. The very much feared

ocular dribble cannon… he took aim and…

tried to fire at the goose, but the spitball goo had quickly solidified, causing the ocular dribble cannon to backfire into the Beaver’s head. The Beaver 

Beavers head exploded and his brains covered his tribe. With pure evil and anger flowing through the tribes veins they…

lost their self-control and blindly charged at the goose, forgetting …

their lunch boxes, cool box of refreshing juices and their ethics, thereby causing…

fits with the beaver union and forcing a work stoppage. As the entire Beaver community protested their lack of snacks, the small gray goose with the heart of a llama decided to offer up a treaty by offering…

The holy grail the beavers have been searching for all their lives…

The one, the only, the Beaver-Wings of Auresteus, son of Laumos born of Ilya. Such wonderful and unfathomable a prize could the beavers hardly bear to imagine. Acquired by her bravery in the Battle of Hayden and given by the king Rawl, these wings had been her prize for years, nay decades. The young goose/llama returned to…

her community of peaceful waterfowl and revealed the treaty she had proposed to the Beavers. The elders of the noble Mallard Clan, however, were displeased she had given away such a treasure as the mystical Beaver-Wings of Auresteus. They proclaimed…

“You silly goose! You’ve given away our best bargaining chip! Now we’re screwed.” The goo-lma sighed and said …

oh dear me… dear dear me… what have i done? she reached into her utility belt and pulled out a…

peace treaty, and she asked everyone to join her around a stump, where she said…

“Dear geese citizens today is not a day for doubts, but a day for decisions. A day not for quarreling, but for rejoicing for here in my wings is a great treaty of…

the world wide web. May information flow to your heart and music stream to your brain.” And with a flap of her wing…

she launched herself into the fathomless blue sky and sped off to the south for it was autumn. They all threw up behind her a cry in joyous support of net neutrality and…

honked, “Now, may we PLEASE have a high-speed connection?”

 

Authors: amazingaaron, thedigitalghost, jackcomrie, a_noob, superc0w, x-u, saxchik, toyotaboy, merendis, thebradymachine, tmmh, fstopblues365, kellydna, redd141, mandy716, sayanythingbam, imryanharris, athanie, coco-tidan, chaomancer, quacorezx, nonlinear_time, philos-phobo

Illustration: athanie