Kelly’s Unnecessary Blog

Mr Pigeon advances on Ms Pigeon

Today’s post is instructions for how to do something I don’t know how to do. I looked out the window and saw a pigeon from the flock across the street and had my idea. Then I realized it would probably actually be pretty easy to catch a single pigeon, so I’m upping the ante and will now enlighten you as to how to catch more than one during the same operation.

I believe the key to achieving success in this endeavor is to attempt it during mating season. Unknown-by-me thing #1: do pigeons have discreet times of the year when they seek a mate or are they kind of generally always randy? For the purpose of this instructional, we’ll assume that the gentleman pigeon is more interested in the ladies during particular times.

The one thing that I and anyone who’s watched Mary Poppins know is that pigeons will go where the goodies are. An additional aspect of pigeon behavior that I have personally observed in the Riverside Plaza flock is that Ms Pigeon does not really give amorous Mr Pigeon the time of day, going to far as to actively avoid him, despite his impressive chest-puffing. He can make his neck look three or four times thicker than it really is. I will use both of these facts to my advantage.

The capturing of two pigeons begins the same as the capturing of one pigeon. Find a cardboard box that has ample room for both birds. Tie a long string to a stick. Prop up the box with the stick. Put some irresistibly tasty bird seed under the back of the box. Hide behind a nearby tree and wait.

It shouldn’t be too long before Ms Pigeon makes her way toward the box with its tasty treats, especially if she’s used to having food provided, as is the case with the Riverside Plaza flock. She will probably head right under the box because she’s used to being fed in a fairly safe environment and doesn’t have danger on her mind (except for love-minded Mr Pigeon). But don’t pull the string just yet.

Unknown-by-me thing #2: I was going to make this second assumption but as I sit here thinking about it, I realize it’s probably a moot point. I was going to hope that Mr Pigeon would be so distracted by his amorous advances that he wouldn’t notice that he was following Ms Pigeon under the box and into potential danger. I would yank the string and have two birds in my hand, so to speak.

I do now realize that these instructions are unnecessary. It wouldn’t matter if Mr Pigeon were following his hormones and Ms Pigeon, or just following the trail of bird seed. Either way he’d be under the box with Ms Pigeon due to an uncontrollable urge.

That also means that these instructions are guaranteed to work.