Kelly’s Unnecessary Blog

If I were a U.S. Marshall, this is what I’d look like—at least if I played one on USA Network. I only had these on for a couple of minutes (basically long enough to snap the photo), but for those two minutes I channeled my inner Mary Shannon and felt like a complete badass.

I’ve worn eyeglasses since I was seven and so just never got into the habit of wearing sunglasses. Even for the many years that I wore contact lenses I didn’t have an overly-developed need to put on the shades, though I did do my little part to support the industry. I suppose I could get prescription sunglasses but it has never seemed like even a low priority in my financial world.

This scene happened on my recent vacation in London. My friend Spiros suddenly suggested that he, our other friend Dan, and I try on each other’s glasses. Dan and I have eyeglasses, Spiros had sunglasses. I have quite poor vision and so Dan’s glasses didn’t help much and conversely, my Coke bottle prescription must have seemed dizzying. Not to mention the bifocals aspect.

When I put on the sunglasses I couldn’t see a thing. Not only was my vision uncorrected, it was uncorrected and darkened. But I wouldn’t have needed to see a thing because I suddenly looked like a badass. Anyone I encountered would just run from me in terror and it wouldn’t matter that I couldn’t actually see them—they wouldn’t know that. I’d just turn my face in the direction of the sound of their footsteps or voice, and maybe straighten my posture to a more menacing stature, and any would-be confronter would turn around and flee like a tiny bunny flashing the whitetail danger sign.

I am not a badass. I handed back the sunglasses and returned to the security of my -9.0 lenses.